A traveller walked into a pub with a mangy old dog, a kookaburra and a tatty old banjo. He sat back and sipped his beer whilst the dog began to strum the banjo and the kookaburra danced on the tabletops and sang.

Billy and Bobby were amazed. They dropped some coins into the traveller’s hat and sat back and really enjoyed the show. At the end of the night they walked up to the traveller and congratulated him on the act.

“You could be a big name!” said Billy, “you could be on TV.” “Nah,” replied the traveller.

“I’ll let you blokes in on a little secret. The kookaburra can’t sing a note – the dog’s a ventriloquist!!”

“I had a difficult birth,” Dumbo told Jumbo.

“I only weighed four pounds.”

“Four pounds,” exclaimed Jumbo. “Did you live?” “Live!” replied Dumbo. “You should see me now!”

Gerty was giving details of her car accident to the policeman.

“Speeding, officer? Oh, no! Not me!” The policeman didn’t believe a word of it.

“Look, lady, what gear were you in?” “A denim skirt, white shirt and a red jacket – what does that have to do with it?”

They were sitting on a park bench discussing words.

Old Billy threw this into the ring:

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means!!”

George came home from the pub really drunk.

He staggered into the living room, tripped over the coffee table and landed on the couch.

His wife looked up and said, “Can’t you just go out and have a couple of drinks?”

“Of course, I can,” George replied. “Just let me get my coat!”

A bloke walked into a fish and chips shop with a big barramundi under his arm.

“Do you have fishcakes, mate,” he asked the shop owner.

“Yes, of course we do,” he replied.

“Great,” replied the bloke,

nodding at the barramundi under his arm. “It’s his birthday!” A blind bloke walks into a TV store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins to swing the dog over his head. The manager runs over to the bloke and asks, “What are you doing?” “Oh … I’m just looking around,” said the blind bloke.

“CP”